You know it was a good office holiday party when your boss riding the mechanical bull wasn't the most eventful thing that happened....

Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.

Goodbye caveman cell phone, HELLO smartphone!

After my return to the US this past Spring, overwhelmed by the prospect of smartphones that became omnipresent during my stint in South America, I decided to opt for a standard flip-phone. When I went into Verizon, I was shocked that there were literally 2 models of flip-phones, and 83 bajillion models of smartphones. 6 months later and I couldn't take it anymoreee. I was the only person I knew who couldn't connect to the internet at all times, and mockery from friends aside (of which there was plenty), I knew it was time to get with the program. After taking the (very late) plunge, I know now I can never ever go back to a simpler time. A time when you could say, "Oh, I wasn't by my computer, I didn't see that email," "I don't know the answer to that question because I don't have google in my pocket," etc. A few of the changes that I'm oh-so-happy about are as follows:  

• The map and gps feature - Before this I would literally hand draw maps onto a napkin to show me where I was going, especially when I first moved to NY. And I constantly was texting myself addresses filling up my inbox (there was an inbox capacity of 100 texts, and when I forgot to delete texts and my inbox became full, incoming texts were rejected taking up to hours to resend on occassion).
• I no longer have to flip back and forth between my text inbox and outbox to see a flow of a conversation. Before I had to scroll through my inbox and see what someone said last before I could respond, eating probably dozens of hours.
• A keyboard: goodbye t-9 word.
• EMAIL (facebook, weather, games, etc).
• Things to read on long subway rides, aka NYTimes and my blogs of choice.
• Mobile uploads! Now I too can share all the pointless "funny" things I see and do with acquaintances near and far!
• And last but certainly not least, having something to hold to stave off awkwardness with while every person around me is incessentaly playing on their phone.

TMI Taxi

We all know how miserable hailing a taxi is in the rain. So it comes as no shock that during a rainstorm this past weekend, I was pretty psyched to get in a taxi that wasn't even lit up in the first place (what a feat!). I thanked the driver profusely and he in turn took that as a cue to dish about anything and everything. He started off by telling me he's such a handsome man, especially for a cab driver, and even more so in the rain. As we were stopped at the next red light a girl ran up to the cab hoping to get in but then saw that it was occupied. To him that was proof that everyone wants to ride in his cab. "See! I'm so handsome, she can't resist!" I asked if maybe it's just because it's raining and people are desperate, but he told me "No! I'm just very very handsome." He also told me that sometimes partons are disappointed when they get in the cab because they expect it to smell nice like an air freshener, but instead it smells of farts. This was the first time I considered hopping out (but thought better of it because god knows another cab would be near impossible to come by). He proceeded to launch into a diatribe about how today was a very rough day as a cab driver because of SantaCon. (For those who don't know, SantaCon is an all day pub crawl with a mandatory dress code of a full Santa Suit, and mandatory inebriation level of incoherent, wreckless and generally stupid). He told me how he drove Santas around from early this morning through the evening, many of whom were puking in the back of the cab "Where I'm sitting?!" I asked, "Yes, of course!" (Second time I considered getting out). They were also having sex, and lots of it, in the back of the cab, "WHERE I'M SITTING?" I shouted, "Yes yes of course! They can't control themselves, horny Santas!!" (Time to get out now). It's one thing to have some sort of idea of the things that go on in a NYC taxi, it's another to have your driver tell you in detail that they went on mere minutes before right where you're sitting. Needless to say, when I got out of the cab and back to my apartment I took a lengthy hot shower, rubbing off the grime of many dirty Santas.  

I throw my latkas in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, spin the dreidel!

Happy Hannukah to all my fellow members of the tribe!

I got myself as Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody...but I didn't.

'Tis that time of year again, gift-giving time! A blessing and a curse really. Nothing's better than getting presents (I don't care what you say, no one really believes "It's better to give than to receive" pshaw), but nothing is worse than seeing an empty bank account come January 1. Hence the creation of Secret Santa. In some contexts, this gift swap is a great idea. With friends for example; you only have to buy 1 person a present, not 10 (assuming you actually have 10 friends) and everyone feels included, part of the holiday spirit, blah blah blah. In other situations however, it's kinda a whack idea. Like when instituted at work. 

Today at my office we picked co-workers names out of a bucket who we're assigned to buy a present for. First of all, a job is a place I come to MAKE money, not spend money. Secondly, I picked a name of a co-worker who is a complete stranger. Not only have I never spoken to this person, I don't even know what she looks like. She works on a different floor than me, and I looked her up on the company website and sure enough, her picture is missing. When it's my turn to give her a gift, I'm gonna be all like, uhhhh who does this go to?! And awkwardly wait for people to look in her direction. Which is kinda like when you're introducing two people and you forget the name of one, and so you wait around silently like a dumbass for them to introduce themselves, that's always rather uncomfortable. 

And I just KNOW that I'm gonna wish I could keep the gift I give more than the one I receive. I know this because it's common sense. The person giving me a gift clearly doesn't know me but at all, especially but not limited to my interests, hobbies, where I like to shop, etc. I keep my work life separate from my real personal life and I intend to keep it that way. I also have experience in the regrettable "swap" realm as I've been involved in mandatory swaps of one kind or another my whole life. Throughout my childhood we'd exchange "psych boxes" before big sports games, which consisted of candy in a gift-wrapped shoe box. I always spent about $30 on mine, and filled it to the brim with chocolate! Reeses, M&Ms, Snickers, Twix, Whatchamacallit, you name it. And then I'd get a box in return that had like a tootsie pop, an apple, and a carton of animal crackers. The BEST year was the year when the girl I was supposed to exchange psych boxes with was out sick with chickenpox so I got to keep my own. I was happy as a lark belieeeeeve me (why are larks even considered happy by the way, is it because of their melodious song? aaand I digress)

I'm just sayin' I'm all for giving gifts when it means something. As Michael Scott so wisely once said, "Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's a tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'I love you this many dollars worth.'" But what happens when you don't particularly care about the person you're giving a gift to (*cough* coworkers). This happens: 

How to make $3000 FAST!

I just had one of those "Why didn't I think of this?!" moments, like I so often do. I'm sure you're all familiar with Groupon, the deal-of-the-day website, that sometimes offers sweet deals, like discount plastic surgery (because I clearly want to go to a surgeon who performs for half-off on Tuesdays), but sometimes offers wtf mind-boggling deals, like $3 hand drawn cats (marked down from $10!). Not only did this guy actually sell these awesome cat drawings pictured above, but he SOLD OUT of them. In the last few days he sold 1,000 CAT DRAWINGS. Who buys these things? Really?! At least he looks like an cool dude who really knows how to work it:

It makes me wonder what I could sell for a quick profit. Personally chewed on pen caps?  Doodles in my legal pad? Half used stick of deodorant? People will buy anything if it's on sale. Hell, we're willing to trample each other to death if it's a "to die for" Black Friday Sale, for example.