First Impressions: The Good, The Bad, and the Downright Crazy

I decided to join a dating website, as much for experimentation as anything else, like so many of my twenty-something single peers in NYC. And thus far, I have learned a great many things. I had heard both fairytales and horror stories, and I wanted to see for myself what all of the hype was about. I jumped in feet first, and was surprised at what I saw. In general, I’ve found that the first contact that is made on one of these sites is through a personal message (forget the IM, I will not respond, it's too rushed and feels intrusive). In general, I think the short and to the point messages are the most effective. You’re reaching out and giving me the chance to check out your profile without scaring me off. Also, forget the uber corny, self-deprecating, or extremely bizarre, why set yourself up for instant failure? While I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means, I think the good vs. the bad is glaringly obvious. I did receive some charming messages, but the majority were not-so-successful attempts at online dating. I decided to illustrate some examples below of the humorous mistakes some made that scream "stay away!" The comments in the parenthesis are my feedback:  

Cheesier than a New York pizza pie

• Nice smiles are hard to come by. Lucky me, I came across yours. Can you read that and make it sound endearing? Cause that's how its meant to come off...not like a cheese ball pick-up line!
• You seem like a bright little slice of sunshine! Too cheesy? probably. Kind of the impression I got though.

(If you have to point out it’s not a cheese ball pick-up line it probably is)

• happy friday. yes, it's cold. yes it's rainy. yes it's just plain sucky. but seeing your smile in your photos....if you're even 1/10th of that in real life, you'll be having a great day :)

(TOO MUCH, when you give a compliment that’s so extravagant its hard to take it seriously)

I can smell the desperation a mile away

• Fifth times the charm, maybe?

(After ignoring his first four messages, apparently this young man did not get the hint – I guess persistence pays off from time to time, just not in this case…)

• LIKE ME! VALIDATE ME! BE MY FRIEND! (This was the actual message title, RED FLAG) I swear that's what writing these messages is like. I'm tempted to give up on the whole online dating thing and just continue meeting people in bars and bookshops; I'm not sure  the continual validation exercise that simply saying 'Hello' should bridge is particularly good for the spirit. Anyway, hello, nice pics, blah blah blah ... Like me, like me, please ... Yeuch. PS - Not sure why I decided you would appreciate my rant against the inequity of actually rating and being rated by other human beings for the sole purpose of self-selecting someone enough like you (not YOU, but 'you') that you justify hiding away from the fear of just being your own self. You just looked like a real person who might be frustrated by it too. Hmm, *SPOILER* I may have some hidden relationship baggage. I'm not normally this ranty, I blame my addiction to Rohypnol. I think the odds of you replying are nowhere near the 90%+ match that o/c gave us ... Oh that's another topic right there.

(If you immediately suggest I won’t reply to your message, I probably won’t. Hidden relationship baggage? Really? In the first message? NOT CUTE. Also, thanks for letting me know about your prescription drug use, that really shouts not crazy)

• Hi :) Happy Halloween !!! I hope u're not angry to me :( Bc I'm bothering u again again. I'm sooooo persistent to get to know u...Please Really so sorry for that. But I'm really want to get to know u. U look so real. U look so different..Please just give me 5 minutes. I see I'm not too handsome :( but i can make u laugh. I'm funny and silly lol

(Abbreviations are okay in moderation, but PLEASE, for the love of god, try not to use them every other word, it makes me think you have the intelligence of a third grader, especially when spelling also comes into question. Don’t point out you’re not good looking. If you’re not, fine, let me judge for myself, but pointing out that fact right off the bat makes it that much worse) 

The Simply Insulting

• You seem cool from your profile, but most girls on here are a little weird. Is there anything wrong with you, like a fake leg or tourette syndrome? C'mon... you can be honest with me.
• hi there :) you seem... nice and (perhaps?) normal :). welcome to nyc!

(Thank you for grouping me with “weird” girls, and glad I seem, “perhaps” normal)

• Do you have siblings? If so, are you the favorite child? You're not! Well, I am terribly sorry to hear that. Why?

(Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but don’t assume the worst of me right away, it’s just rude!)

• You wanted to surround yourself with good people so you came to New York? You know, this city invented the middle finger.

(mmhm positive energy is radiating from this one)

• Hey, I couldn't find anything we have in common based on what you wrote. But, I'd like to get to know you better. How would you like that?

(GREAT, I’d love wasting my time getting to know someone who so astutely pointed out I have nothing in common with, ‘cause that makes so much sense)

• There's nothing like a good glass of Malbec and a steak dinner to get the evening started....unless you over do it, and end up with a food baby.

 (This message started out okay – picked up on my interest in Argentina, except I really don’t feel like discussing food babies with you, that’s just gross)

If you come off this crazy online, I’m not gonna risk my life meeting you in person

• Allow me to introduce myself. I am Z, my true name is unpronounceable. I love space (random huh?), and my secret dream (I wish I was born 2000 years later) was to be a spaceship designer. I can tell you all about the supernovas and dark matter. Besides starstuff, I've grown up in a foreign country, saw sea turtle twice at Hawaii, worked in a farm where I crashed a farm vehicle (I wooffed there), drove around in a volcano field, been to death valley, almost got thunderstroke on Yosemite, got into medical school, and survived medical school. I enjoy museums like PS1 and watching documentary films, but now i am mostly swamped by brain related stuff (and I am not a zombie!). Also I can make delicious chocolate balls.

(This guy knows where most girls interests lie – space! It’s as if he thought of the most random, disconnected facts from his life and threw them all in the message, hoping that one would stick. Now, if he had just led with the chocolate balls – maybe I would’ve considered!)

• I'm in a good mood, and then I see you. Double good mood. I forgot that it was possible to stumble upon somebody; not just here, but anywhere, that generates genuine enthusiasm in me. You are so gorgeous to me, and I simply like the vibe you are giving off...alright, I've already said too much haha. It is imposable to not come off corny here, I can only assure you that I am being sincere. Actually I'll go one step further, I will swear on my cat Quinton's grave [he was my Maine Coon who died of Leukemia, and I buried him myself in Coldwater Canyon...CA...I'm from LA]. Some random facts about me: I must admit to you that my last loving relationship had us making love while i watched hockey. Oh & no Fatties. No offense! ..It's a lifestyle thing.On a typical Friday night I am - slurring to the oldies, doing splits-to-twerks combos, wearing a dress I nicknamed the fuckfest, putzing around the local 24/7 Walmart buying random things that usually include Cheezits. You can be unstable as long as you dance well.

(The message starts off okay, very complimentary, until we get to the part where he talks about his dead cat’s grave, how romantic! He likes watching sports while having sex, good to know! I don’t even understand most of what he likes to do on a Friday night, and am a bit curious about what "split-to-twerks combos" are, not gonna lie. But I sure as hell don’t want to putz around Walmart stuffing my face with Cheezits. And it’s always nice when someone has their priorities straight, placing more importance on dancing abilities than mental stableness.)

And then there are the poems (At least wait until message 3!)

• from state 2 state, city 2 city, all girls do is drink, where is the part of having fun without a drink, huh!

(Hey! What’s wrong with drinking?! Don't insult one of my favorite pastimes!)

• From Out of Law to Law: Since I don't drink at a bar, I have to wink from afar. You are a law person. I struggle to transcend the law person. We both smile a lot without a pot. How about having puns for funs together? Or perhaps a dance perchance if you have a penchance for dance? Summer is still sauntering above our heads. Before it ends, shall we dance?

(Um, say What?)