A Winter Miracle (aka Snow Day) Haiku

Snow days as grown-ups

Even better than I thought 

As a kid, let's play! 

Tradition, tradition! Tradition!

It's funny how traditions begin, continually morph, and then wind up becoming something which almost imperceivably reflects its origins. Growing up Jewish, we celebrated Hanukkah. We did the whole shebang. 8 nights of presents, 17 or so menorahs (a combination of silver and gold classy ones, and those we made in the first grade out of a log, some popsicle sticks and glue). Which if you do the math amounts to 153 lit candles by the last night. We weren't messing around.

As time has gone on though, our Hanukkah traditions have lost some momentum and new Christmas ones have seeped their way in.  Hannukah rarely coincides with Christmas day, as any good Jew will tell you, there are only 2 things to do on this most holy of Christian holidays, which happen to be the only two things open. Go out to the movies (and OH are there choices of Oscar nominated flicks galore!), followed by a Chinese restaurant. I promise you that you'll bump into your (Jewish) childhood friends, cousins, ex-boyfriends parents and your elementary school English teacher all in one trip.

Since my dad got remarried though, we have also adopted a Christmas tree with ornaments, traditional Christmas Eve dinner and breakfast (my step-mom likes to serve our favorite, "Heart Attack on a Plate,"), and stockings (or random tchatchkes you never knew you wanted but are pretty damn awesome in their randomness).

These days we have the best of both worlds. We've created one monster holiday: Chistmukkah. It is Christmas Eve dinner, followed by stockings, presents, Heart Attack on a Plate, a nap, movies, culminating in a Chinese food feast. It doesn't get much better than that.

And since Jesus probably celebrated Hanukkah anyway, I'm sure that's the way he would have wanted it.  

Pug Shot: Christmas Edition

overheard on the subway...

Girl #1: Her album is bad
Girl #2: Bad or bad?
Girl #1: Bad
Girl #2: But bad or baaad?
Girl #1: Bad like good

"New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."

What is it about New Year's Eve and the PRESSURE of making plans? I think the reason New Year's Eve is SO much more stressful than every other special occassion (aside from say, your wedding) is because it boils down to ONE important minute. Where will you be at exactly 12 am? Because clearly that one single 60 seconds will dictate the entire next year of your liiiiife, everyone knows that. Take 4th of July for example - you can celebrate during the day, or the night, or the whole weekend, or even week before of after. Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday and always spent with your family, there's not much decision making in where you go, but NYE is a breed all its own.

You want to be with friends, in a place that's guarenteed to be fun, and importantly it has to be accessible (especially in NYC where cabs are close to impossible that night - actually that's true for most big cities. I had the same cab problem last year in Buenos Aires - although the time restriction wasn't as much of a big deal because people go out AFTER 12 and stay out until 9 am-ish). Everyone has their idea of what "fun" is, who they want to be with, low-key, high-maintanence, expensive, cheap, in-town, out-of-town, friends with priorities of being with bfs/gfs/other friends, or friends who just want to get laid. It all boils down to a whole lotta scramble with a side of stress, for a generally not-that-memorable night.

Let's be honest for a second here - how many years do you actually remember the ball dropping at midnight vs. how many years were you so drunk you could've been stuck in a dark closet alone with a blow up doll and been having the time of your life? Yeah I thought so.

I've come to terms with the fact that New Year's Eve is just not that big of a deal, and while it's of utmost importance to me to be with some good friends to ring in the New Year, it doesn't really matter where that is. In the past few years I didn't go in with a game plan, and came out with the most success so I figure that's the way to do it. Wing and ding it and move it all around. So cheers to being flexible and come what mayhem may!

In the Spirit of the Holidays!

A Holiday Message from Ricky Gervais: Why I'm an Atheist

Happy Shortest Day of the Year!

(Which means starting tomorrow it's all downhill from here....)

OMG BTW WTF is HMU? IDK STFU, TTYL!

If you understood that title, as many of you did I'm sure, kudos. Isn't it somewhat bizzarre how present acronyms are in our lives these days? I recently read that HMU was the top status trend of 2010 on Facebook, reaching 80,000 mentions per day by the end of summer! Pretty incredible really, especially considering I had never even heard the term until I read that article. For my readers who are in the even slower lane than I am, HMU stands for Hit Me Up. As I wrote a few weeks ago, ZOMG is an acronym that's also new to me. Essentially meaning the same thing as OMG but an exaggerated version that was created by accident. It makes me wonder why certain acronyms appear in our vernacular and actually stick. I'm also curious how people first learn what these acronyms mean? Do they ask their friends? Look them up on the internet? Guess?

It's particularly amusing when someone you know thinks the term means something completely different from what it actually means. E.g. my brother thought LOL meant Lots Of Love for the first two years he was using it. Kinda cute huh? But also rather embarassing. I can't blame him, how would one know laughing out loud would become such a commonplace phrase (and one that I STILL won't get on board with). I just don't think that if you're actually laughing out loud, you would only write LOL - it seems a little timid. If I'm really howling, I'm clearly going to type out hahahahahaha, to display my enthusiasm. Or, if you're like a friend of mine, you could add an extra letter "R" in front of "LOL" to signify REALLY Laughing Out Loud, as opposed to faking it.

I took about 2 minutes to write down the acronyms I use on a semi-frequent basis (or at least am aware of what they mean) and the list is considerable:

LOL
LMAO

WTF
MILF
ROFL

OMG

ZOMG

ASAP
RSVP

FML

HU

WWJD
STFU
BTW
BRB
IDK
JK
TTYL
BFF
MO
NSFW

DTF (thank you Jersey Shore)

...and now let's add HMU to the list for good measure! What do you think the next popular acronym should be?

Is it a Bad sign when...

A subtle change on Facebook can actually really and truly startle you and shake you to the core (a bit)? Well, that just happened to me, and I'm sorry to say it's not the first time (It happened when they reduced the font size last month from a 12 to an 11 or something terrifying like that). Change is never something that's easy to take, but unexpected change is even harder. And when it comes from such a reliable steady source, it's just downright scary. I know during big website remodelings, Facebook sends out warnings weeks in advance and tutorials the instant you sign in. But for every smaller change, of which have appeared ad infinitum over the past 5 years, there's no such warning. And every time it's just as jarring as the time before. A few minutes ago I found myself browsing a friend's recent uploads, when the screen turned BLACK and the picture popped up. Immediately I thought I've caught a virus! I clicked on the wrong button! I downloaded something weird by accident! BY GOD, WHAT HAS HAPPENED? It turns out that Facebook has just decided to implement a new picture platform. And 5 mintues later (after restarting facebook, and checking with friends to assure myself  that it's not just my computer, I have screwed up nothing) I actually kinda really like it! It's more appealing to the eye for picture browsing. And just like last time, and the time before that, I take a deep breath, and embrace change. It will be okay.

Did this Santa just come from popping ecstasy at Pacha?

Bed Intruder Christmas Carol

And the Golden Globe SHOULD go to....

It's that time of the year again, AWARDS SEASON! Let's be real, The Golden Globes and Academy Awards are my Superbowl. The celebs, the gowns, the hype! And all culminating in a HUGE moment for the actors, writers, directors who regularly bring so much joy into my life. Based on The Golden Globe Nominee list which was released today, and the movies/tv shows I saw (or read reviews about), which granted, wasn't ALL of them, but a vast majority, here is my list of who I think most deserves to take home the awards:

• Best Motion Picture - Drama- The Social Netowrk
• Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama- Natalie Portman - Black Swan
• Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama- Colin Firth - The King's Speech
• Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical - The Kids Are All Right 
• Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical - Annette Bening - The Kids Are All Right 
• Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture- Comedy or Musical -Johnny Depp - Alice in Wonderland
• Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture - Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech
• Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture - Christian Bale - The Fighter
• Best Animated Feature Film- Toy Story 3
• Best Foreign Language FIlm - Biutiful
• Best Director - Motion Picture - Darren Aronofsky- Black Swan
• Best Screenplay - Aaron Sorkin - The Social Network
• Best Television Series - Drama - Mad Men
• Best Perfomance by an Actress in a Television Series- Drama - Julianna Marguiles - The Good Wife
• Best Perfomance by an Actor in a Television Series- Drama - Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad
• Best Television Series - Comedy or Musical - Glee
• Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical  - Laura Linney - The Big C
• Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical - Steve Carell - The Office

You know it was a good office holiday party when your boss riding the mechanical bull wasn't the most eventful thing that happened....

Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.

Goodbye caveman cell phone, HELLO smartphone!

After my return to the US this past Spring, overwhelmed by the prospect of smartphones that became omnipresent during my stint in South America, I decided to opt for a standard flip-phone. When I went into Verizon, I was shocked that there were literally 2 models of flip-phones, and 83 bajillion models of smartphones. 6 months later and I couldn't take it anymoreee. I was the only person I knew who couldn't connect to the internet at all times, and mockery from friends aside (of which there was plenty), I knew it was time to get with the program. After taking the (very late) plunge, I know now I can never ever go back to a simpler time. A time when you could say, "Oh, I wasn't by my computer, I didn't see that email," "I don't know the answer to that question because I don't have google in my pocket," etc. A few of the changes that I'm oh-so-happy about are as follows:  

• The map and gps feature - Before this I would literally hand draw maps onto a napkin to show me where I was going, especially when I first moved to NY. And I constantly was texting myself addresses filling up my inbox (there was an inbox capacity of 100 texts, and when I forgot to delete texts and my inbox became full, incoming texts were rejected taking up to hours to resend on occassion).
• I no longer have to flip back and forth between my text inbox and outbox to see a flow of a conversation. Before I had to scroll through my inbox and see what someone said last before I could respond, eating probably dozens of hours.
• A keyboard: goodbye t-9 word.
• EMAIL (facebook, weather, games, etc).
• Things to read on long subway rides, aka NYTimes and my blogs of choice.
• Mobile uploads! Now I too can share all the pointless "funny" things I see and do with acquaintances near and far!
• And last but certainly not least, having something to hold to stave off awkwardness with while every person around me is incessentaly playing on their phone.

TMI Taxi

We all know how miserable hailing a taxi is in the rain. So it comes as no shock that during a rainstorm this past weekend, I was pretty psyched to get in a taxi that wasn't even lit up in the first place (what a feat!). I thanked the driver profusely and he in turn took that as a cue to dish about anything and everything. He started off by telling me he's such a handsome man, especially for a cab driver, and even more so in the rain. As we were stopped at the next red light a girl ran up to the cab hoping to get in but then saw that it was occupied. To him that was proof that everyone wants to ride in his cab. "See! I'm so handsome, she can't resist!" I asked if maybe it's just because it's raining and people are desperate, but he told me "No! I'm just very very handsome." He also told me that sometimes partons are disappointed when they get in the cab because they expect it to smell nice like an air freshener, but instead it smells of farts. This was the first time I considered hopping out (but thought better of it because god knows another cab would be near impossible to come by). He proceeded to launch into a diatribe about how today was a very rough day as a cab driver because of SantaCon. (For those who don't know, SantaCon is an all day pub crawl with a mandatory dress code of a full Santa Suit, and mandatory inebriation level of incoherent, wreckless and generally stupid). He told me how he drove Santas around from early this morning through the evening, many of whom were puking in the back of the cab "Where I'm sitting?!" I asked, "Yes, of course!" (Second time I considered getting out). They were also having sex, and lots of it, in the back of the cab, "WHERE I'M SITTING?" I shouted, "Yes yes of course! They can't control themselves, horny Santas!!" (Time to get out now). It's one thing to have some sort of idea of the things that go on in a NYC taxi, it's another to have your driver tell you in detail that they went on mere minutes before right where you're sitting. Needless to say, when I got out of the cab and back to my apartment I took a lengthy hot shower, rubbing off the grime of many dirty Santas.  

I throw my latkas in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, spin the dreidel!

Happy Hannukah to all my fellow members of the tribe!

I got myself as Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody...but I didn't.

'Tis that time of year again, gift-giving time! A blessing and a curse really. Nothing's better than getting presents (I don't care what you say, no one really believes "It's better to give than to receive" pshaw), but nothing is worse than seeing an empty bank account come January 1. Hence the creation of Secret Santa. In some contexts, this gift swap is a great idea. With friends for example; you only have to buy 1 person a present, not 10 (assuming you actually have 10 friends) and everyone feels included, part of the holiday spirit, blah blah blah. In other situations however, it's kinda a whack idea. Like when instituted at work. 

Today at my office we picked co-workers names out of a bucket who we're assigned to buy a present for. First of all, a job is a place I come to MAKE money, not spend money. Secondly, I picked a name of a co-worker who is a complete stranger. Not only have I never spoken to this person, I don't even know what she looks like. She works on a different floor than me, and I looked her up on the company website and sure enough, her picture is missing. When it's my turn to give her a gift, I'm gonna be all like, uhhhh who does this go to?! And awkwardly wait for people to look in her direction. Which is kinda like when you're introducing two people and you forget the name of one, and so you wait around silently like a dumbass for them to introduce themselves, that's always rather uncomfortable. 

And I just KNOW that I'm gonna wish I could keep the gift I give more than the one I receive. I know this because it's common sense. The person giving me a gift clearly doesn't know me but at all, especially but not limited to my interests, hobbies, where I like to shop, etc. I keep my work life separate from my real personal life and I intend to keep it that way. I also have experience in the regrettable "swap" realm as I've been involved in mandatory swaps of one kind or another my whole life. Throughout my childhood we'd exchange "psych boxes" before big sports games, which consisted of candy in a gift-wrapped shoe box. I always spent about $30 on mine, and filled it to the brim with chocolate! Reeses, M&Ms, Snickers, Twix, Whatchamacallit, you name it. And then I'd get a box in return that had like a tootsie pop, an apple, and a carton of animal crackers. The BEST year was the year when the girl I was supposed to exchange psych boxes with was out sick with chickenpox so I got to keep my own. I was happy as a lark belieeeeeve me (why are larks even considered happy by the way, is it because of their melodious song? aaand I digress)

I'm just sayin' I'm all for giving gifts when it means something. As Michael Scott so wisely once said, "Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's a tangible thing that you can point to and say, 'I love you this many dollars worth.'" But what happens when you don't particularly care about the person you're giving a gift to (*cough* coworkers). This happens: 

How to make $3000 FAST!

I just had one of those "Why didn't I think of this?!" moments, like I so often do. I'm sure you're all familiar with Groupon, the deal-of-the-day website, that sometimes offers sweet deals, like discount plastic surgery (because I clearly want to go to a surgeon who performs for half-off on Tuesdays), but sometimes offers wtf mind-boggling deals, like $3 hand drawn cats (marked down from $10!). Not only did this guy actually sell these awesome cat drawings pictured above, but he SOLD OUT of them. In the last few days he sold 1,000 CAT DRAWINGS. Who buys these things? Really?! At least he looks like an cool dude who really knows how to work it:

It makes me wonder what I could sell for a quick profit. Personally chewed on pen caps?  Doodles in my legal pad? Half used stick of deodorant? People will buy anything if it's on sale. Hell, we're willing to trample each other to death if it's a "to die for" Black Friday Sale, for example.