Beggars Can Be Choosers...on the Internet

After enough time on an online dating site and you eventually feel the right to be ultra picky amongst possible suitors. Because of the sheer quantity of messages and pool of potential mates, it behooves you to create a list of criteria for yourself that narrows down the overwhelming sense of these sites. Upon joining, my list had a much wider berth, but that led to double booking of dates, a full time commitment to online dating, exhaustion, fatigue, and almost a complete mental breakdown (well not really, but it really was too much to handle). 

By now, I've narrowed down the profile prototype I'm seeking out so far that it is very rare someone makes it past phase 1, being a response from me, or better yet, an initial message from me. I see that this may be a terribly flawed plan and I could be missing out on tons of close-to-perfect guys, but it's a plan created out of necessity for not spending all my days and nights looking at profiles, responding to messages, setting up dates, cancelling dates, re-scheduling dates, going on dates, following up with guys, and simultaneously keeping them all straight in my head. 

The initial message from a guy has to catch my attention. He should show that he actually read my profile, has something interesting and non-generic to say, and isn't sending out multitudes of identical messages to every lady that he comes across. On the other hand, he shouldn't go on and on and on in the first message because that makes it feel like entirely too much effort to respond to. Be short, to the point, but effective, and please, no ridiculous spelling or grammar mistakes. That is an instant turn-off. 

Okay so I like his message. Next comes the oh-so-important profile review. Now be forewarned, this may come across as shallow/ridiculous/what have you, but these are my criteria for ONLINE dating, not necessarily real life. If I met a wonderful guy in real life who didn't fit into some of these categories, that'd be fine because I met him and I actually like him. But without that to go with, you gotta start somewhere to trim the fat. 

I check the guy's height, I'm a relatively tall woman so this is an important factor for me. If I'm taller than he is (or close to it), sorry but veto. I then check to see if there's anything that specifically sticks out in a bad way. Like someone who is a diehard devout Catholic, or makes less than $20,000 a year (but isn't a student), or hasn't graduated from college. He has to be in my age-range (mid-20's to 30's). He should live relatively close to me, generally New Jersey doesn't make the cut. I have a friend who won't go out with someone if he says he likes cats but not dogs (to each her own). I generally question guys who say they don't drink at all. If their percentage match is very low that's often a red flag. If it's very high match that tends to hold less significance. 

Then I move onto his profile pictures. I'd never go out with someone who has one picture, that's an untrustworthy source and he's probably fugly. And if he's not, then he has very low self-esteem or photographs terribly and that would be a shame for wedding pictures. I kid, I kid (sort of). If his main profile picture is shirtless he is vain. If it's far away he's unattractive and dumb (we're on a dating site, clearly I need to see what you look like). If they're all long-arm photos (aka he took them all himself), he's a weirdo/loner. Veto if he's just plain hideous or too serious, too cocky, or is surrounded by women in every picture. Veto for all pictures of one type (all goofy, or action shots, or shots with his sister's baby cause chick dig dudes who like kids, right?). This list continues, but let's just say if he can't pass this phase (and it may arguably be the hardest phase) then I probably won't even read his profile. It's not just based on looks, I know that, but it's what the guy's choice of pictures says about him as a person. 

The meat of the profile is also very important but varies from person to person and is very case specific so I won't go into too much detail here. I'll just say that if it's insanely long I probably won't read it all (and he has too much time on his hands), or insanely short he couldn't care less about this experience and hasn't piqued my interest so why should I waste my time? If under the category of "The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit About Myself" he answers that he's on an online dating site, veto - if he can't even own it, he shouldn't be here. Obsessed with sports and/or working out (and thus having little else to say), veto. Lists "sex" as one of the things he's really good at, veto. Now I'm just imaging you having sex with lots of other girls. Plus, if you have to announce it to the world like that, it's probably BS. Brownie points for originality, is confident in who he is (and is compatible with me), is well traveled (going to Europe once when you were 12 doesn't count), well read (but not arrogant, I hate that), and on and on and on. 

It's a dog eat dog world out there. And I'm fully aware that this all may sound ludicrous, but without a system, you're never going to survive online dating. And conversely, I don't get offended when guys don't respond to me either. Everyone has their own set of criteria, and even though I'm great and we may get on smashingly if we were to meet in person, I could've answered one question in the wrong way and immediately the guy chucks me aside. And that's okay, because there are many many more waiting to take his place. 

The Onus of the Queue

I'm a relatively new Netflix subscriber. I'll admit it, up until recently I still got a thrill from going to Blockbuster and picking out a movie I was in the mood for that exact instant. Life ain't so easy anymore. Last year when I moved back to the US I was shocked and saddened to find out during my first drive back through my hometown that all of the Blockbusters had been boarded up and it was now necessary to order your movies online. 

I held off from doing so for as long as possible. Once I moved to New York I even rented movies from Two Boots, a pizza place with a struggling side movie business. But their selection was lacking, and my computer is on its last leg and refuses to stream even a 30 second youtube video, so downloading was out of the question. I would have to order from Netflix! 

It's not that I have a problem with Netflix itself, the company runs like a well oiled machine. My movies always arrive when they say they're going to arrive and in mint condition. It's even bizarrely skillful at picking out films it thinks I'll enjoy (god computers are so damn smart). Where I take issue is the pressure that comes from picking movies a full two days before you want to see them. 

All of a sudden I have this persistent feeling in my gut that I should choose these movies which I've been told I should see, with references that have gone over my head my whole life, which are important, "classic" films of our generation, of my parents generation, of ALL generations! Rather than movies I want to see. The pressure is just too much. I end up looking at my queue and it's not familiar to me at all, it's like seeing a stranger staring back from the mirror. It's chock-full of foreign films, romantic comedies from the 60's, too many Woody Allen's and not enough mind-numbing movies purely for entertainment's sake. 

I can't lie and say I haven't seen some great things over the past few months, I have (and if there's one I'll recommend right now it's City of God, seriously add that to your queue stat). But a tremendous wave of despair washed over me yesterday evening when I checked my mailbox and found The Godfather sitting there in that bright red envelope. I know, I must see it and it's in every guy's top 5 list, but I just wasn't in the mood. It's long, I have a feeling it's not incredibly laughter inducing, and it felt more like a homework assignment than a relaxing night in at that moment. 

I yearn for the simpler movie store days. Sighhhhh, I suppose like anything else, in time I'll adjust. 

It's a small world, after all

It's an inevitability that you're going to run into people you know all the time in New York City. There are certain spots, popular bars, brunch places, or gyms, that there will be surefire encounters whether you want them or not (and correspondingly look hot or like a hot mess). One place however you don't necessarily expect to chance upon random people you know, or at least I didn't, is in the online dating arena. I would think there'd be a much higher likelihood of this on a dating site like jdate (which there probably is) because clearly you're dealing with a smaller number of people with a common theme. But for a general dating site open to the public at large, aka match or okcupid, it's astonishing how quickly the seemingly vast pool of men turns out to be actually quite small. 

When you boil it down to the elements involved it makes sense. You're entering criteria that are going to match you based on location, preferences, eduction, interests, etc. so it's not that far fetched that someone you grew up with might turn out similarly to you. But considering how large NYC is, it's still a little crazy and unnerving to have those unexpected encounters....and I've had my share. 

The first embarrassing experience I had with an online dating acquaintance was with a guy I went to summer camp with. His picture popped up as one of my matches and when I clicked on him, the initials of his screename confirmed my suspicions that he was indeed the same guy. I had a crush on this guy when I was twelve and his pics still seemed cute, so I figured I'd make light of the situation and send him a friendly/awkward "hello, we went to summer camp together for 8 years" message. A few days (weeks, months, years, still waiting!) went by and he never returned my message, and I had my first brush with online dating induced blushing. He clearly knew who I was and rather than be courteous and act like a normal human he chose to ignore me. My thicker skin began to grow after that. 

The next incident also involved summer camp (go figure). I was out with this guy and we weren't particularly hitting it off, we didn't have much to talk about and the date was dragging like a wet bag of hammers. UNTIL we figured out that from the years 1994-1999 we went to the same New Hampshire sleepaway camp! Then we laughed and reminisced for a good solid fifteen minutes about color war, and jello wrestling, and the seven people we knew in common. Then it fell quiet again and we ended the date and didn't schedule a second one. It would've been nice had we felt a rapport thought, what a story for the grandkids!

I also saw a guy on the site that I was friendly with in college but decided not to message due to incident #1, but ended up seeing him at an apartment party a week later in the city anyway. I was sure to bring it up with him after I was sufficiently liquored up, whereupon we laughed nervously with each other for a brief few moments, then split in opposite directions. I had no shame at all in the situation, but apparently disgrace was cast upon his name with the very mention of online dating. How dare thy bring up what goes on in the imaginary world of the interwebz! 

Then there's the guy who messages you, seems cute and nice, you get to talkin' and realize that he probably runs in similar social scenes as you. So talkin' leads to stalkin' during which you enter his screename into facebook to see if anything pops up, or his work stats into google and try to figure out anything you can about him pre-date, just to be in the know. This is only when you have time and energy enough to care (as of late I have not, but I will admit I have played this game in the past). It's actually pretty fun because all you really have to go off of is their first name, screename and a few scattered bits of information. It's like you're a real life private eye, cracking the enigmatic mysteries of online dating! The trick with this scenario (and it's happened to me more than once) is to never let on about the pre-date stalking. If they want to bring up the fact that you have 3 mutual (probably irrelevant) facebook friends on your first date, then that's their prerogative. But it's in no way well advised to a) be the first one to admit you already knew that or b) admit you already knew that at all (even if he blurts it out first - retain the power!), because while you may think it's cute that he took the initiative to get to know all about you before date one, he may very well think you're a total creep (which you kind of are, but aren't we all?) 

The most recent encounter of this kind was a message I got a few days ago telling me that I looked awfully familiar and asking me if we had a one night stand at some point? At first I was appalled, then curious, then I clicked and the truth was revealed. He was my best friends ex-boyfriend, and no we didn't have that one night stand, it was a joke. So I guess the lesson here kids is in the real world or in the make believe internet one, there's no escaping the many familiar faces of your past. 

But you can't see my face, how can you tell I've got the eyes of a lunatic?!

It's been a while since I recounted the many trials and tribulations of online dating. To be honest, I eased off of it for a bit because there's so much garbage you have to wade through to get to anything (sorry, anyone) semi-decent that it can seem downright daunting. That's not to be said that there are no diamonds in the rough (there are diamonds in the rough, right? so help me god there better be diamonds!). BUT there's a lot of just plain old roughhh. When I first started blogging way back in the day (aka 6 months ago) I posted some AWESOME examples of shocking introductory messages I received, and I thought now would be as good a time as any to post a round 2 of horrific-men take heed please do not send these type of messages-messages, because no, unfortunately they didn't stop. I'll let these gems speak for themselves this time, because you're probably mentally annotating the same way I would anyway.

• wow i gotta say that ur drop dead gorgeous!! heyy have u ever had a fantasy of making love to a complete stranger?? :)  

• Hey there! Since you're a paralegal, you most likely thought of this already. However, as an attorney, I feel obligated to advise you to add some kind of a disclaimer to your profile...I suggest something like this: WARNING: Prolonged exposure to the photographs in this profile may cause sudden heart failure and/or death in men. Advice of physician strongly recommended prior to viewing. Profile author expressly waives any and all liability occasioned from use of content and under no circumstances will be liable for injury, property damage or other casualty loss. All other rights are reserved.

• After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories... you will always have a special place in my heart. your ex-hubby, Alex

• Hey Dork: it took me 2 hours to come up with this message.

• Listen all I could think of when I first saw your profile was how bad I wanted to get in your pants, but then I see you are a fan of MGMT and Jay-Z and I'm like hmm. You know that feeling when you're thinking ah this has to be too good to be true? Well this is one of those moments but I gotta ask do you cook too?!! later hermosa ojos :)

• you know what, you make think my friend Joe would love you.

• Hello angel, wow what cloud did you fall off of? Your mother must be beautiful. My name is james, but my friends call me Jimmy. I think you and I could make beautiful music together, and I would treat you like the beautiful classy, woman that you are. Check out my profile, and drop me a line if you're interested. Take care and stay beautiful.

•  I like your hair. I'm unemployed and up for anything! Check me out.

• So I was looking through all these ads here on the internet thinking to myself “Look at all the poor, desperate, lonely women…” and then I saw your ad and thought to myself “Hey, here’s a poor, desperate, lonely woman that’s actually CUTE…” so I thought I’d write and see if you’re as interesting on the inside as you are in this picture…”

• Hello. Wink. Sorry, something in my eye. You seem cool. How do you do? Do you like tacos?

• You could kill somebody with a smile like that...Just imagine. I'm driving down I-87, looking at my cell phone....like ya do....and that smile comes up...where am i? what's happening? It's a minute before I even realize I'm in a fender bender...Maybe you should think more about the danger that smile puts me in and the commuting public in. A) I don't have a car. B) I would never go on the internet while driving in case you thought I was a total lunatic.

• Hello. You are very pretty. Um.....I don't know anything about women. Would you mind if I asked you a few sincere questions that only an utterly clueless male could conceive in the hope that you answer in a sisterly, brutally honest way? Thanks!

• I live in SoHo, right by Channel... and Dash   

• Is your brunette friend single?

clairvoyance or poppycock?

The other night I attended a charity event where they were offering free psychic readings. I've only had "energy" work done in the past, so most of my psychic knowledge has come from tales of friends' readings. During my freshman year of college, a friend's mom got her fortune read and warned my friend that she'd definitely be pregnant by our senior year, Not a particularly fun message for a mother or my friend to hear, and alas it didn't come to pass. Who's to say that's because she wasn't extra careful due to the warning - another "the chicken or the egg scenario." A different friend in college got her fortune read in Salem at Halloween-time. She plunked down $60 buckaroos hoping to hear the whole enchilada of her destiny but instead the psychic started yammering on and on about her beautiful her necklace was, guessed where she got it (she guessed wrong), and my friend demanded her money back mid-session. 

Needless to say I was somewhat intrigued, but clearly dubious of the whole psychic phenomenon. However, if you're gonna go ahead and offer me a free psychic reading I'm gonna take it (hell, if you're gonna offer me a free pretty-much-anything I'm gonna take it. This is why supermarkets with free bakery samples are my favorite places on earth). The psychic at the charity event was an elderly British woman, or perhaps an American with a fake British accent to make her seem more legit. 

I sat down at her table and she started laying the tarot cards down in front of me. The first card she put down had to do with relationships and apparently it was clouded by a big question mark. She couldn't be sure if the relationship was the romantic type or work type, but either way it wasn't looking good. As she continued to lay down cards she kept telling me cryptic messages like "this looks messy, or you know what I'm talking about but I don't want to spell it out for you here, because we're at a formal event (wink wink)." By golly woman spell it out for me! No I really don't know what you're talking about and you're really starting to freak me out. How bad could it be that you can't say it out loud? Most of what she said made semi-sense but I think the same reading could've been loosely applied to anyone with a pulse. 

As I was getting up from the table, a little shaken, her last words to me were that I've been a "naughty girl." Is that really appropriate (or necessary) psychic talk? My friend got her's read too, and was also a little more worried about the status of her life and relationship than before she sat down. It got me thinking about a few things. First, I wanted to tell this high and mighty Brit that I think her line of work is rubbish. Second, how much of our lives are self-fulfilling prophecies where we hear what we want to hear and then make that happen. Let's say my friend heard the psychic say she would have problems with her boyfriend and then picked a fight with her boyfriend, is that because it was going to happen anyway, or because the psychic got in her head. Finally, even if there is some truth to knowing part of my future, I'm not sure I want to. Where is the fun in that, really? 

The Unsettling Uncertainties of Your....

Your 20's is a time filled with change, growth, and a lot of "holy shits, what am I doing with my life!?" Since college, any time I've gotten comfortable with a city, country, job, apartment, guy, or what have you, a huge curveball gets launched my way and I'm forced to re-think and re-evaluate everything. There's a lot to be said for the uber exciting feeling of not knowing what's coming next, where you'll end up or how. But that excitement is inevitably accompanied by a hint of fear, anxiety, and the dread of knowing that there will be many (many) steps that come between now and who I'll be when I'm "all grown up."

In the last couple weeks change has snuck up on me, tackled me, and is forcing me to face it head on, again...and I don't feel ready...again. But that's just the way the beast operates, because it's never easy and never going to feel easy - and that might just be the point. You learn, adapt, deal with it and hopefully come out the other side a better person for having done so.

So thus begins the next phase of my life. Luckily, being in my 20's with very few external obligations affords me the awesome possibility to experiment, stumble, and literally do anything or go anywhere. Will I be living in Thailand, Brazil, or Costa Rica in a few months? Possibly. Will I be working in New York City at my dream job? Hopefully. Will I be happy I was made to take a closer look at my life, shift things around, shake things up, squirm in discomfort, but ultimately be one step closer to ME? Absofuckinglutely. 

But a BILLION reasons you should...